Chapter 1- Transitions

I had not been in Portland for more than a few days when I went to my first show at Berbati's. It was Rocky Votolato and Owen. I was there alone and still had a blast. I met my first not Reed affiliated person that night. I gave her some change so that she could get the bus home and she told me where I could find her so that she could pay me back in the form of a latte at the coffee shop she worked at. 

I walked back to my car with my Rocky Votolato EP in hand and was very observant of my surroundings. 3rd Ave. at night looked like a pretty shady place especially that hole across the street called Silverado. I attempted to make it back to my apartment at Reed without getting lost. I knew that I was in SW and needed to be in SE and would have to cross a bridge to make it home. I drove around aimlessly until I found a bridge called Ross Island and eventually saw a sign for Reed College and found my apartment. I was a Lost Boy from the start, but I found my way. I will never forget those first few days in PDX, on my own and learning and finding my way. It turns out that being lost and found found would be the story of my semester. Oh hell, the story of my life...

The day after my first show I left on a retreat with the Res Life staff I hardly knew, and that was the beginning of one of my life's great adventures. The last sixth months have been a great challenge, personally, professionally and spiritually and those were only the first sixth months. There is so much that lies ahead! The first semester went by in a heartbeat and here I am back in California, reflecting...

Transitions. They come in varieties. We fall to them. We overcome them. We learn from them. Transitions can make us better people, therefore, I am thankful for them. It was a semester of questioning and growth. I love putting myself outside of my comfort zone and I am glad I was able to do so in Portland. Portland is my home and I hope to continue to call it home for some time. I have never so much felt as if I was consistently in my element as I have been in PDX. 

Since I have been home I have been asked several times if Portland/Reed is everything that I thought that it would be. My answer is that my expectations were high but Portland and Reed have far exceeded my expectations. I boast about the city, the  skyline, the Portlanders, my new friends, my staff and the Reedies. 

There was so much that happened in my first 6 months. There is so much that has happened and I don't want to include it in this blog. All I will say is that, I love Portland, I love the Lost Boys, I love Reed and I am excited to see where the next 6 months take me. I have a feeling, a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach, but I don't want to get ahead of myself...

"The night is always darkest before the dawn"

Miracle on 39th St.

Well, ARCTIC BLAST 2008, today I stared directly into your stone cold eyes and roundhouse-kicked you in the face! I give you some credit, you didn't make it easy. I woke up in the AM to watch the channel 8 news and was saddened to find out that Alaska/Horizon had "suspended" all of their flights. I decided to still attempt to catch the bus to the airport to wait it out. I walked a mile in the snow dragging my suit case as I saw bus after bus stuck in the snow. I attempted to call a cab service and only received busy signals. In frustration I lifted my suitcase over my head and marched up hill to the bus stop on 39th St, only to sit there for an hour. After I got tired of not feeling my finger tips or legs and listening to the girl talk about how much she wanted Kool-Aid and how Kook-Aid would make everything better. I thought to myself, "NO! KOOL-AID is NOT going to make EVERYTHING BETTER! A FREAKING PITCHER 0F JUICE WHO WEARS TIGHTS! SERIOUSLY?! HOW IS THAT GOING TO MAKE THIS ARCTIC BLAST 2008 SHOW MERCY? PSSH!".

After I gather myself I gathered my belongings and slid downhill back toward Reed and made my way into the Spanish House to defrost. I received a call from Skye who was with Devin at PDX and I was advised to go to the airport no matter what or I would be stuck in Portland for Christmas. Devin told me that he had hitchhiked to the airport twice that morning. I also learned that there were lots of Reedies at the airport. I figured that if I did miss my flight I would be in good company. I gathered by belonging and once again marched up the hill in the snow toward 39th St. I went back to this bus stop but this time I crafted and held up a sign that read, "Portland Airport or Hollywood transit?" I held the sign up and within 10 minutes, a car stopped and a woman named Tina who was on her way to Providence Milwaukie offered me a ride. It wan nearly 1pm and it didn't look like I was going to make my 2:30 flight to Seattle in route to Burbank. I thanked Tina for the ride, as dropped me off to the shuttle at the hospital which takes people directly to the MAX station. I got on the shuttle which took me to the MAX station. The red line (which goes directly to PDX) was down because the rails were iced over! I was now in the company of others in route to PDX. I chatted away with people and learned their stories and where they were traveling to. We had to take the blue line toward Gresham and we greeted by a bus. There were nearly a 100 of us that crowded the bus, which took us directly to the airport!

I looked up at the arrivals and departures screen and saw that my Seattle flight was delayed until 4:30. It was currently 3:45. I was golden but was worried because my flight from Seattle to Burbank was supposed to leave at 4:30. I got through security as fast as I could and ran down the hall to gate A3. It was about 4:10. The Seattle flight was boarding and then I heard a last call for Burbank. I went over to the counter to speak with the Burbank man who I gave puppy dog eyes to, and asked him if there was any way that I would get on the Burbank flight rather than going to Seattle where I would likely be stuck for a couple of days. He said the flight was sold out but there were a few people that never showed up for the flight (shows how much hitchhiking paid off). He got me on the flight. I ran through the gate and starting at me was a giant Beaver. It was The Oregon St. University Horizon plane. I got on the plane. We de-iced. Were towed through the snow toward the runway. The sun started to come out for the first time in days. As the sun blinded ARCTIC BLAST 2008 we escaped! I was on this plane with people who slept in the airport for 3 days just to make this flight. We landed safely in Burbank and people cheered! I exited the plane and left the terminal. When I looked up I saw none other than David Hasselhoff, at that point I knew I was home...

On a side note, please pray or send get well wishes to all those injured in Alaska Airlines flight 528 that was leaving Seattle in route to Burbank.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/TRAVEL/12/24/holiday.travel/index.html

ARCTIC BLAST 2008!!!

I wonder how long it takes television news crews to come up with such clever names as, ARCTIC BLAST 2008? Anyway, I am sitting in a Safeway having a peppermint coffee at one of those faux Starbucks. I walked from Reed, braved the snow and freezing rain. Did you know that Accuweather.com depicts freezing rain as ICE CUBES falling from a cloud!?

Today I got to reflect on the semester (Higher Ed Admin always think in semesters). I also realized that I have become somewhat of one of those crazy Northwestern people. I love Portland. It's my home. It was fun walking with other people in the snow to find food. Our interactions were mere smiles and nods, but it was still refreshing that these people, specifically SE Portlanders, are my neighbors.

I was disappointed to find that both the Funky Door and Sbux were closed. Hence, why I had to walk a little further and ended up at the faux Sbux at Safeway. My feet are cold, as I still refuse to purchase some goofy Northwestern footwear. I am content with my clubbing and emo shoes.

On the walk over I saw cars buried in the snow, folks getting there cars stuck in snow, a man skiing on Holgate, Tall Pawl riding up 39th wearing a cape, and children sledding down their streets. It was also the first time I experienced freezing rain. The cord to my iPod was coated in ice and ice stuck to my face.

I am looking out the window as the snow and freezing rain falls and falls and falls. It's so beautiful. I just pray that I can get home tomorrow. The Arctic Blast is an experience that I have long awaited but it's keeping people I care about from getting home. I shake my fist at you ARCTIC BLAST 2008! Your beauty is deceiving! Blast you...ARCTIC BLAST! I was contemplating walking all the way to Hawthorne , but that may been foolish. I have been known to do crazy things before.

A part of me wants to finish my Christmas shopping and a part of me wants to be home and build a fire. Crap, I'm looking out the window again and can't seem to tell the sidewalk from the street. Well, I think I have had enough of Safeway...

When He is silent He is listening, and not abandoning.

If you know me then you know that I have desired a tattoo of a sparrow for a couple years now. The idea was inspired by a poem titled, "Silence" by Bradley Hataway. I always wanted something that represented my faith and love for God and always thought that crosses were cliche. I also did consider that sparrows somehow by default came to represent the emo culture. I did also take into account that the sparrow was the logo for the band The Lyndsay Diaries, a band that was very representative of my feelings on relationships and life in college. It's also the logo for Stumptown coffee in Portland. Then you have that bastard of a pirate, Jack Sparrow. BUT, my sparrow will always mark a symbol of faith and love and taking comfort in God even when life blows. Nova and I went to the House of Tattoo in Tacoma, WA and I was inked by a fun, talented, quirky woman named Katie. I now will carry this symbol of faith with me for the rest of my life to serve as a reminder that God is always faithful even in his silence...


Silence by Bradley Hathaway

What’s happening here?
I was once so alive and now I’m so full of dread and almost dead
Show me your wounded head that is lead to communion with the father
But where did he go?
His presence seems farther and farther away each day
but I’m trying so hard to steer his way
Yet still lonely and confused on this cold hard ground I lay

Speak to me wise mouth and say “it’s all good kid, it’s nothing that you did, and though it feels like I’m not here with you right now just be still and silent and listen for that sound..
Shhh..
Did you hear it?
Listen again.
Did you hear it?
That silent voice that just spoke nothing, that is me, I’m listening to your plea with open ears Counting all your tears flowing from your irritated eyes
Searching the skies looking for that hope that beyond there lies.

Oh you young worrisome sparrow, find rest
Lay your battered head upon my omnipresent breast and make it your nest
No strong cold wind could ever blow and carry you from this your home
Look around, see the life shooting up from the ground
Spring colors springing fourth and celebration of your trusting

It’s a constant process this is
Growing you into the man you are to become
But when you sense the setting of the sun know it is only rising and has just begun
Now go fourth, sing songs of faith, and lift up others in the midst of this race
And if you can’t keep the pace or lose sight of my face
Know that I’m always near so you need not fear
But don’t worry about all that right now
Just sit here and enjoy the peace I offer in my silence
When I am silent I am listening, and not abandoning.

...Our Secret Spots, After the Show...

I wanted to through together some snobish concert review but I was too enthralled in the musical performance of the last two shows that I attended. On November 7th I was blessed to experience the lineup of Lights, Lydia, Lovedrug and my favorite band of all time, Copeland. 


I have so longed to see the synth playing beauty, known as Lights, for quite some time now. She played a short set that was fantastic. I had a chance to speak with her after the show and I complemented her on her music video for, Drive My Soul, which a simple, yet delightful, masterpiece that rivals the great videos of the late 80s. Lights informed me that she was heading off back home to Toronto to film the "sequel" to her first music video. The new vid will be for the song, "February Air" which should be on her website/myspace early December.

Prop 8: The Aftermath

I feel like I need to address this openly because I feel that this issue or Prop 8 in California had been taken to a level that has brought out the worst in everyone. First of all I am a Christian. I find my identity in Christ and he has given me the grace that I don't deserve as a jacked up human being. I grew up in a conservative box and surrounded myself with those that thought like myself in college. I had friends that "struggled" with homosexuality. I was so fascinated by this topic that I would study books like Desires in Conflict by Joe Dallas and I even went as far as writing an exegetical paper on Homosexuality as a sin. I had myself in a box along with several other friends of mine that all went to the same church and never thought to question the Bible or the pastor.

A pastor said a few things during my college years that always stuck with me. 1). The reason why most non-believers are turned off to the idea of Jesus is because Christians are assholes, 2) if you don't question what I say or what scripture says then you are DUMB, 3) We have three-pound finite minds.

The more I studied and the more conversations I had I learned that God is LOVE and that most Christians have yet to comprehend God's message of LOVE. I feel that if one doesn't question their own faith or sexuality then they really don't know who they are.

The issue is gay marriage and I can see both sides of the argument because I have been on both side of the argument. I supported (in spirit because I am an Oregon resident) NO on Prop 8 because as an American I believe in the freedom and liberty and justice for all that our founding fathers intended for us to have as citizens of this great country. Blood was shed and continues to be shed for this freedom.

I think there are still too many homophobic Californians who didn't bother to research and study Prop 8. Some of those people who voted YES were probably Christians who felt "convicted" by a letter that the Apostle Paul had written to a specific church or community back in the day. Christians probably felt that they were doing the right thing by voting YES after having memorized 1 Corinthians, Romans and Leviticus. I get it. I've been there.

One another note, for those who call themselves Christians as use hateful words like "fag" please don't associate yourself with Jesus or even call yourself a Christian. AND to be a bit frank for the sake of making a point, for those who associate homosexuality with glory holes, Queer as Folk, Go-Go Bois and getting crunk with Britney in WeHo, please go make a gay friend so that you can lay the stereotypes to rest once and for all. Some of the most healthy relationships I know of are gay and lesbian couples. Who knows if gays have the right to marry maybe our horrendous divorce rate would improve.

Jesus was a very liberal progressive person in his time and went to the cross because of it. The Pharisees were the Conservative Evangelicals of that time and they didn't get it. People still don't get it because people fear change and what they don't understand.

What if we are blessed to have a gay or lesbian child? What if our First Family consist of two men and their son and daughter? There are so many questions and so many possibilities that seem so unattainable. I think about all of this in my introspective 3lb brain and can't help but to think of the scene outside of Grant Park in Chicago on 11.4.08 and hold on to hope.

We used to treat women and African Americans as second class citizens. I guess we have yet to break that barrier for homosexuals. It's sad. This could get ugly but I know that Dems, Reps, gays, straights, blacks and whites will push the issue of marriage equality and prevail.

8pm, 11.4.08

I am very proud to be an American today…everyday for that matter.
I am actually quite upset by those that are saying, "for the first time in my life I am proud to be an American". I am blessed with the freedom that many nations long for. I am proud of my grandfather who served in WWII. I will always hold his stories near to my heart of how he traveled through the most dangerous parts of Europe and served and protected and how he met Winston Churchill and had a laugh with him. When I think about my grandfather I wonder if we would share the same political views. Regards of our views I know that we would love and respect each other no matter what. He encouraged me to pursue higher education and to seek God in all things. Those are the most important things to me.

This election season has been bittersweet for me. I have seen the good and the ugly sides of people. Two years ago I got a TIME magazine in the mail that had a young African American named Barack Obama on the cover and the headline said, "Why Barack Obama could be the next President". I thought to myself, "no way". Little did I know it was the beginning of the most exciting campaign season of all time. I was a two time GWB voter and was a fan of the old "Maverick", John McCain but I was looking for a progressive America and I was supporting Obama all the way as I learned more of him. I was glad to see the Republicans nominate McCain and shoot down Romney (who most of my Conservative friends happened to be supporting). I would have cried had Hilary won the Dem nomination. There was so much feuding during the primary. Politics are like a bad drug sometimes because people just start trippin'. I enjoyed the debate and I'm glad the man that came out on top was Obama. I cried…tears of joy. I was so emotionally invested in this election for the last two years that I couldn't hold back tears. I saw Jesse Jackson crying and I started crying. The footage of the crowds gathered in every city and outside of the white house was so emotional. It was like nothing I have witnessed in my life. It was a victory not for Democrats but for America. All this talk about CHANGE and now we will need some results. Obama is inheriting a busted yet still prideful America and I am very optimistic about the next four years.

There have been so many bad events that we associate with days/times in our lives. When asked where I was at 8pm on 11.4.2008 I will remember that I was at Reed College with my friends when the hammer that is West Coast came down and ended the McCain campaign and brought Obama the victory. I am proud of America, Obama, McCain and everyone who stood in a ridiculous line to vote.

8pm, 11.4.08

Here we are, the lost causes...

It was one of those weekends. I was shown my imperfection. I was praying for a miracle to break the awkwardness. A miracle was delivered indeed on Sunday evening at the Wonder Ballroom. I am beginning to think that this music venue lives up to its name as I have now had two amazing nights at the place.

I was attending this show with Rosanna and Kyle but I was in my own world the entire time. The lineup could not disappoint. Straylight Run and Scary Kids Scaring Kids with Anberlin as the headliner. I had seen all three of these bands before at least one in Los Angeles, San Diego or San Francisco and I was thrilled to see them on one ticket!

Straylight Run took stage and I knew their presence would be lacking since Sarah was no longer in the band. I would miss delicate yet strong voice driving some of my favorite songs and I knew that the bands dynamic would completely change without her on the keys. When the played, “Mistakes We Knew We Were Making” I felt broken as my present state resonated with the lyrics beautifully sung by John Nolan. “When all our sins come back to haunt us in the end, they hang around and tap us on the shoulder”. Tragically sad but true lyrics. My favorite part about this band was singing every lyric to “Existentialism on Prom Night” with a few hundred Portlanders. There were two or three songs I enjoyed in the set. I did miss Sarah a lot and was not too fond of the new songs.

SKSK! By far one of my favorite bands to see live. They seemed out place on the line up with the screaming and hardcore riffs but the electronic keyboard played by Pouyan would stun those in attendance. I love how Pouyan dances and gyrates on his band mates and the keyboard…in fact he was going at it so hard that he tore the crotch of his jeans. Seeing this took me back to the San Diego show when Pouyan flung himself off the lighting fixture 30 feet above the stage and landed in the crowd. If you get a chance to see this band live and you can stand the noise I highly recommend it. SKSK needs to be experienced at least once. It was such a good show!

My heart was racing as I waited for Anberlin particularly Stephen Christian to take stage. His music had been speaking to me loud the last couple week. I had to re-listen to “Cities” and remember how significant that album was to me last year. I picked up the new album, “New Surrender”, the day it came out a few weeks back and the songs “Breaking” and “Haight St.” spoke to me so much that I welled up a bit on the drive home from Music Millennium.

The lights went low and Anberlin took stage. It was such an amazing show and Stephen’s voice sounds so much more brilliant live than recorded. That is saying a lot since his voice is amazing on the album! They crown erupted and the kids sang along to old favorites like, “Day Late Friend” and “Paperthin Hymn”. Stephen’s lyrics are so honest and well throughout. It is evident that he is such an introspective human being who is faithful and optimistic. He stage presence was astonishing as he was about to encourage and bring together a crown. It was what I imagined an Obama rally to be like.

The song I was waiting for was finally played which totally took hold of me in an unexpected way. The song was Dismantle Repair…

I am the patron saint of lost causes
a fraction of who I once believed (change)
only a matter of time
opinions I will try and rewrite
if life had background music,playing your song,
I've got to be honest, I tried to escape you
but the orchestra plays on,
and they sang, oh, oh, things are gonna change now for the better
oh, oh, things are gonna change

[Chorus 2x:]hands like secrets are the hardest thing to keep from you
lines and phrases like knives your words can cut me through
dismantle me down, (repair) you dismantle me, you dismantle me
give me time to prove
to prove I want the rest of yours (prelude)
call this a prelude to a lifetime of you,
it's not that I hang on every word,
I hang myself on what you mean,
its not that I keep hanging on,
I'm never letting go.

These lyrics have been in my head most of the last year and I felt comforted as Stephen sang these words. This song rejuvenated me and I had somewhat of a spiritual experience and it just got better as the band came out to play just one last song for the encore. One song was all that was needed to make this encore and this show perfect. The song was (*Fin). And all of us at the Wonder Ballroom were left in a beautiful silence thinking of faith and our own perfection…

(*Fin) by Stephen Christian, performed by Anberlin

Feels like you're miles from here,
in other towns with lesser names.
Where the unholy ghost doesn't tell
Mary or William exactly what they want to hear.
You remember the house on Ridge Road
told you and the Devil to both just leave me alone.
If this is salvation, I can show you the trembling.
You'll just have to trust me.
I'm scared.
I am the patron saint of lost causes.
Aren't we all to you just near lost causes?
Aren't we all to you just lost
Tommy, you left behind
something that will mean everything right before you die.
What if you gained the whole world?
You've already lost four little souls from your life.
Widows and orphans aren't hard to find.
They're home missing daddy who's saving the abandoned tonight.
Wish your drinking would hurry and kill you.
Sympathy's better than having to tell you the truth.
That you are the patron saint of lost causes.
All you are to them is now a lost cause.
All you are to them is now, causes.
Billy, don't you understand?
Timothy stood as long as he could and nowyou made his faith disappear.
More like a magician and less like a man of the cloth.
We're not questioning God.
Just those he chose to carry on His cross.
We're no better, you'll see.
Just all of us, the lost causes.
Aren't we all to you just lost causes?
Are we all to you lost?
Lost causes
So all we are to you,
Is all we are, is all we are
All we are is all we are

[Choir:]Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you? (Lost causes, all we are is all we are)
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you? (To you, lost...)
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
Take what you will, what you will
And leave. Could you kill, could you kill me
If the world was on fireand nothing was left but hope or desire
And take all that I could require, is this love?
Or am I on the floor over-desperate?
Hold hands streaming of blood again?And then take full weight of me
Guard my dreams, figure this out,
It's me on my own. Helpless, hurting, hell.
Will you stay strong as you promised?
Cause I'm stranded and bare.
Meanness is washed up and all that I haveis God. Take this and all,
Then grace takes me to a place
Of the father you never had
Ripping and breaking and tearing apart
This is not heaven
This is my hell.

The Night Starts Here!!!

Last night was my anticipated first visit to the Wonder Ballroom. The headlining band was, Stars. This would be my third time seeing the progressive Canadian band live. I was accompanied by my friend Rosanna who I had just introduced to Stars, but she immediately fell in love with them. While we were standing in line at will call, we ran into our friend Sarah. Sarah had her friend Dan with her who would also be seeing Stars live for the third time. I was a little envious of Dan when he told me that he had seen Stars at the Doug Fir. We hit it off and chatted about music and Stars the entire night. It is rare that I find someone who can appreciate the beauty of walking the streets of Portland in the rain while listening to, "Look Up". 

The first band (whose name I cannot remember) was a tragic electronic mess. I loved the synth, the beats and the bass...but the singer was like listening to a busted Kele Okereke. I found this a good time to look around the venue and it was great to spot a handful of Reedies and took comfort that they enjoy good music. It was also a good time to chat with Rosanna, Sarah and Dan. 

I eagerly anticipated what was to come and then it happend...Stars took the stage that was beautifully decorated in roses. Torquil and Amy took the stage along with the rest of the band and was blown away by the way they opened by performing, "The Night Starts Here". It seemed like the most opportune time to rock out. The Torquil and Amy are by far the best singing duo that I have come across in a very long time. The energy, passion and romance that was exhibited by the former lovers was mind-blowing throughout the entire performance. I think at one point during the set I turned to Rosanna and said, "This is music that I can make love to". She laughed. I received a tap on the shoulder from Dan to signal that the opening chords to "Look Up"  were being played. It was the most rich performance of that song that I have heard to date and I imagined myself walking the streets of PDX in the pouring rain with a smile on my face. Such a flawless song. Ridiculous.

We were given a two song encore and then we were left with butterflies in the pit of out stomachs. I have been to plenty of shows in my day but the scene in Portland is far greater than anything I ever experienced. We laughed, we may have cried, we left with new friends and happy hearts... 

4 months later...

I spent a great deal of my time yesterday in NW 23rd reflecting on my time living in Portland and working as an administrator of Reed College. As it is in my introspective nature a thought back to just 4 months ago when I was living in Thousand Oaks, CA and working at a little religiously affiliated institution called California Lutheran University. Honestly, yesterday I needed my “I” time (meaning my time to re-energize as an “introvert” according to Meyers-Briggs). I have been working non-stop since the beginning of August and have had an unhealthy amount of coffee and Viso energy drinks! Those Viso's are equivalent to 3 cups of coffee and they are so tempting because they happen to be “free” with my meal card in Commmons. Come to think of it I think I have had at least one beer everyday since I have moved to Portland. I am in the land of great beer and great coffee. If you knew me before I came to PDX you would have thought me to be a ‘snob’. Well, since becoming a Portlander, I have become more of a ‘snob’. I would argue to say that I am just smarter about what I put into my body than your average Californian. I am so post-Starbucks. I have also learned to be a bit snarky, whatever the hell that means…

Anyway, 4 months ago I felt as though I was in a bubble. I think everyone in California knew that I was anxious to not just move to a kickass city but to leave the comfort that was California. I knew the politics of Cal Lutheran. All of us young admin would stand together and wonder what the hell the upper administration was thinking when they came to certain decisions. I knew my way around 101, 126, 118, 23, 405 and I-5. I had access to my family pretty much at anytime. I had the routine down, Stuft on Monday followed by Sunset, perhaps a visit to BJ’s brewery on Thursday, Friday night back to Sunset or in the summers venture off to Ventura to walk E. Main St. I was so comfortable and for the most part had a good grasp on life. I could walk into KP’s office to shoot the breeze, I knew that I could walk to Amanda’s office for a hug or for a York Peppermint Patty, I miss just talking with Byrdman or having coffee with Annie on Wednesday evenings. I knew that it would suck not seeing Nova every single second of the day. I also knew that I would have to get used to a new office buddy who would probably not be as cool as Ro. I was ready to take the dive into a new world. Was I scared? Hell yes. I just hide it well. I think…

Anyway…back to the present day…

This weekend things finally slowed down and I knew that I would have time to think about life. I survived RD training, HA training and finally O-Week. I put a beanie on my head, a hoodie on my body, stapped on my Chuck’s and plugged in my iPod and hit the streets of NW Portland. My only company was Copeland, Daft Punk and Umbrellas, but that was all that I needed. I am a city boy now. I went to the GAP and got a sweet jacket and of course some snazzy dress pants. I walked into ROBOT tattoos and looks at some of the art and tried to decide which one of those artists that I want to ink my up with a sparrow in the near future. I went to a McMenamin’s pub and grabbed a sandwich and a Ruby Ale. I walked by me fellow Portlanders and smiled. I felt at home and reflected on the present.

Since coming to Portland I feel as though I have put myself out there and have began establishing a good social network. I have met people at shows and at bars that I now still keep in touch with. I have gone surfing on the Oregon coast and I have blown glass. I have a supportive Res Life team that I adore, and I can say that we are good friends. I have some team members that kick my ass and keep me accountable as my friends did back home. I now travel 99 and pass over the Ross Island, Hawthorne and Burnside Bridges and when I get lost I cross over Morrison. I am 10 minutes from some of the best concert venues. I ride the bus and sit next to sketchy yet wicked nice fellows that have obscene phallic tattoos on their forearms. I have gone to 80s clubs and gone a little nuts with Bowie and Morrissey. I feel as though I have so much life in me that I don’t know that to do with it all. It’s my goal to live one day at a time and made the most of every day. Being in a new place and having so much of the unknown is like the begging of a new relationship and falling in love. I am filled with butterflies that I cannot contain!!! I am excited for this semester and every moment in between!

All these thoughts of excitement all from a mere walk down NW 23rd. I am at home in PDX!

My first trip to Imago Dei

Since the first time I read Blue Like Jazz, I have been wanting to attend a church service at Imago Dei Community in Portland and listen to one of Pastor Rick’s Sunday morning talks. Today it was my joy to do just that. Rick was amazing. But of course I had to run into the same problem that I ran into at Cornerstone Community Church in Simi Valley: Christians. Specifically Christians who are judgmental and blind to the plank in their own eye that is labeled, “PRIDE”. Perhaps I am being a little judgmental, but I am acknowledging that. I was fine until we attended the new comer’s session and the old folks learned that my colleagues and I were working at Reed College. Maybe it wasn’t just their initial reaction that pissed me off. It was also how the group leader said with a smirk on his face that “We pray for Reed often”. I doubt any of these adults have ever had an intellectual conversation with a Reedie. I don’t even know if they would ever bother to make time to get their facts straight before they react so harshly, which saddens me. I was hoping to find community here this day. Most of the church body was totally my scene: hipster-emo-hotties. Perhaps there is hope.I will hit up the church again because I can see God working through the lives of people and I am happy that many of those people that he is working through are hipster-emo-hotties. I just want to be authentic wherever I am and with whom ever I am associating with. These old folks may have caught me off guard today and they did in fact piss me off. But I am OK now. I carried on with my day by going to a gay bar with my gay friend where we consumed alcohol, I said many positive things about Obama, I sent some facebook flair, and listened to music with cursing.

Life is a Mixed Tape

I feel that I needed to change the direction of my blog. Hence I have re-titled it “Life is a Mixed Tape”. That phrase is so very true as we write our own sound tracks by the decisions that week make on a daily basis. For instance, I am listening to the new single by Jack’s Mannequin, titled, “The Resolution” that is the driving force an inspiration behind this latest entry. I have been more introspective today than I have been in a while and I love it.

My life in Portland thus far has been FABulous (notice the capital FAB). The upcoming events on my life are going to be more entertaining as I dive into the realm of Residence Life at Reed College. I must say, I have an amazing team. I have never clicked so well with a staff so quickly. I have met many people with their own unique stories as to how they ended up in PDX. I am here for a reason beyond my own comprehension. I can’t wait to see what Portland and Reed have in store. At this moment I feel very much at home…

"There’s a lot that I don’t know. There’s a lot that I’m still learning. When I think I’m letting go. I find my body it’s still burning. -Jack’s Mannequin, "The Resolution"

Living In Your Letters

Buna seara. It's amazing that you can still see through me as if I am made of glass and you know how to bring a smile to my face without even trying. Years have passed and I still listen intently to every word that you have to say as if it is a sermon, even if your words now come via instant messager. The only way that I can see your face is through some independent social networking site that I have not heard of until now. You still look the same as you did five years ago. Conversing with you takes me back to Romania. Without you I would have been lost in translation. I would not have built the relationships that I did with the orphans. I would not have seen the world through the eyes of God. You were the glue that held the pieces of my heart together. I would not have left a piece of my heart in your country. All because of you my time in Romania was the most significant time in my life. I am sorry that it has been so long between conversations...and visits. Social networking is just a funny thing. I teared up a bit when you sent me your hi5 profile link and I saw your fantastic photos and in your "top friends" I found Loredana and a good number of ophans with photos of them in Marghita and the Black Forrest. Orphans on a social nextworking sites still blows my mind. I think it is funny how one of your friends referred to one of your pictures as "emo". Do you remember when when I introduced you to the band Dashboard Confessional? That was the original "emo"! I listened to Dashboard all the time in Romania! Anyhow, I am glad that we reconnected in this way. I have never been more of an advocate for social networking than I am now. I was reminded to go back to my old journal and recall entries from 2003. Wow, we had so much fun. It was heartfelt trip for me and we still had a lot of time to goof around! It's stupid that it has been so long. I am taking our recent conversation as a sign, I need to go back. There is something that I feel called to do or say...I'm not sure what. I needed to put this in writing before bed. Sorry for rambling. Multumesc. Noapte buna domnisoara!

Seriously? Seriously? Seriously?

When I got into my car this morning the sky was beautiful and overcast. Oh how I love a gloomy June day! I was in an exceptional mood and was anticipating good things to come of this day. And then in happened…the road that I need to drive through to get to the freeway that leads me to work was under construction! Why!? Is it too much to ask for Ventura County to take a break from construction!?

I took the detour that led me through the boonies of Oxnard in bumper to bumper traffic on some random country road. Eventually I found the freeway. On the freeway I was greeted by cars that decided to brake for apparent reason. As we climbed the Conejo grade the people behind the wheel continued to break and forget to signal as the cut each other off. This type of greater LA area traffic mayhem I will not miss. I am looking forward to a city with good, clean, working, accessible public transportation.

What got me through this gruesome drive was a great song of the ambient electronic nature by The Age of Rockets. The song, titled “Worth the Wait”, has an opening line clearly stated my exact thoughts, “I’m waiting for the dinosaurs to return and ravage the traffic of morning commutes”.

Wouldn’t that be cool to see? If only…

What if?

Last summer I took the most significant road trip of my life. It was a trip into the wilderness in which I was trying to get away from myself to be alone. During this journey I learned who God was all over again. I gained confidence by being bold in my time in Oregon. The greatest lesson that I learned on that trip was that I never wanted to live my life again asking the question “What if?”

At the end of last summer I read a book called Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell that changed me in so many ways. It gave me a new perspective and rejuvinated me. In his book, specifically Movement Four: Tassels, I underlined the following:

“This thing inside of me was so strong that I had to act on it. Can you relate to this feeling? That sense that there is someone deep in the fiber of your being that you have to do, and if you don’t do it, you will be violating something…or somebody?

Better to try and fail, because at least you are being true to yourself.

And the worst thing would be to live wondering. What if?”

Next to my underlined sentences I scribbled “Remember Oregon”.

Almost one year later, after some major identity reconstruction, God is still using these words to speak to me, even more so grasping a hold of me…

My fantasy capstone: Disney's Influence on Relationships

I’m going to start this blog off with a statement. My statement is: I believe that Disney has given false expectations about relationships to children through their fantasy movies in which the central theme is that we all will live “happily ever after.”

I am not anti-fantasy. In fact, I encourage young people to hold on to fantasy as long as they can. I remember believing that if I could drive 88 miles per hour I could travel through time and I had one time hoped to fight a hand full of villains while eating an apple and stealing a loaf of bread at the same time like Aladdin.

What does bother me is when college-aged people this that they can have a Disney relationship without having to ever work on the relationship itself. The current Millennial Generation is very much dependent on their parents and many have never really experienced the “real world” even after receiving their college degrees. I am writing this because I have been very observant of the relationships that surround me on a daily basis and became curious. Going into a serious relationship with the “happily ever after” mentality is dangerous. Having delusions of grandeur can be destructive to any relationship. Relationships take work, conversation about serious issues, and sacrifice.

Sacrifice is such a difficult word to define because I feel that every individual has their own needs, goals and desires that they must fulfill before getting married. For example, one of my best friends left the country to fulfill her dream of independently living abroad before committing to serious relationship. Even though we all knew that this guy was perfect for her she knew that the most important thing for her at that time was to follow her heart’s desire and live in a foreign country. It was almost as if her moving away strengthened their relationship and I can honestly say that their relationship is one of trust and one of the best examples of a relationship that I have seen in my life.

It’s so important to make sure you are fulfilling your DREAMS, your GOALS, and your DESIRES in life. My fear for most people who give up on moving abroad, going to grad school, etc. is that they will find their identity in another person and ultimately will experience despair at the end of their life.

Falling in love almost always outweighs friendship in these Disney movies. In any relationship, it’s important to not cut your ties with friends because your significant other is jealous. It is WRITTEN: love is NOT jealous. If your lover is jealous then there is a real issue there that needs to be addressed. Honesty and trust make the relationship. Having an exclusive relationship is by no means healthy. We all need friends to encourage and advise us throughout our dating and marriage relationships. The importance of having a supportive network in relationships is never addressed in Disney movies. How do I know? Because the witnesses/audience at these fantasy weddings…are animals.

Another great example of a healthy relationship that I can think of is a couple who I went to college with who do their best to include their friends in everything that they do. Seriously, they have an entourage with them wherever they go. This is a couple who knows how to live life to the fullest and knows what is most important to them.

Looking back now I really wish I would have researched this topic for my Communication Capstone…I know I can be a bit of an over-analyzer but the influence that the Disney fantasy films had on children and the lasting impression they have on those children when they become “adults” are astonishing. Someone needs to research this. It wasn’t until 2007 that Disney redeemed themselves with the release of in my mind, their best work to date…

Anyone who knows me knows my fascination with the movie Enchanted, a Disney film that came out toward the end of last year. I paid Disney to see this movie in the theater…twice. Finally a Disney movie that dealt with real issues and poked fun of themselves and their “happily ever after relationships”. Enchanted addressed that we can be in a relationship and find other people attractive. It stressed we should date and get to know each other and threw the idea of “love at first sight” out the window. It showed that there is hope after divorce. This film had a perfect balance of fantasy and reality and is a film I think every child and adult needs to see. Like I said, I am an advocate for fantasy but we in fact do live in a fallen world in which we have to work and make wise decisions. I’m just going to stop now because this opinion of mine can be argued either way. I don’t need to prove myself. This is just a sloppy unfiltered version of my thoughts on this topic. Please add Enchanted to your list of movies to see and take from it what you will.

If only life were as easy as being a character in a movie in which we had no choice but to follow the writers will, but this is a whole new topic of conversation…

Rising Against the February Tide

The month of February and I have come to peaceful terms after two years of listening to overly emotional tunes just to make it through the villainous month.

February 2008 came with new adventures, people, and perspectives and along with all that came a new soundtrack. A soundtrack of upbeat electronic pop. Different scenes in our lives are always accompanied by different musical scores and this month is no exception. This is why our taste in music often changes as life goes on. It’s not because we are getting older and we need to stop listening to music that is too loud. It’s because people come and go, we bend and break, perspectives change, we are faced with challenges and are called to RISE AGAINST THE TIDES.

This month has had its share of confusion and prayers for clarity but I also have been elated and overcome with joy. I have seen God shine through loved ones and through strangers. I have been shown hope through bright eyes. I will continue to pray for clarity and seek God’s will for my life. I am relearning how to BELIEVE in things SO IMPOSSIBLE.



"High rise, veins of the avenue
Bright eyes and subtle variations of blue
Everywhere is balanced there like a rainbow above you
Street lights glisten on the boulevard
And cold nights make staying alert so hard
For heaven’s sake, keep me awake so I won’t be caught off guard
Clearly I am a passerby but I’ll find a place to stay
Dear pacific day, won’t you take me away? "

-owl city

Jon Gon the Artist is BACK!!!

I'm trying the new form of themed photography inspired my the musicians who have influenced my life and helped me to keep my chin up. This is the first of many new photo sets that will be posted...

LeadSTRONG

I came across some notes that I took during an event in college that was appropriately titled the “Leadership Institute”. What I found was simple but it reminded me of what true genuine leadership should be...

A COMPLETE LEADER MUST:

REST
PLAY
CHALLENGE
ACCEPT
CRY
LAUGH
ENCOURAGE
RISK
LEAD

We are just breakable…

Dear Ingrid:

It was so amazing seeing you live the other night. The weather that evening reflected the current state of my life. The rain was coming down which made it difficult to see where I was driving. I have wanted to tell you for a while now just how much your music inspires me. I was captivated by your presence and like many shows that I go to I imagined that it was just you and I. I lost myself in your lyrical masterpiece. Your voice was angelic and brought me joy. The best way that I can describe what your music means to me is that, when I listen to your music I feel as if I’m not alone. I feel like you understand me because I feel we have shared many similar experiences. I am not just another Ticketmaster customer trying to entertain myself on a Thursday night. I truly understand why you are writing and performing live shows. I understand why you cried all the way on your long drive to Los Angeles that day. People mistake you for “emo” but they’re wrong. People like us hate labels and as you song says you just want to be taken for “The Way I Am”. I feel the same way. So many people think they are “strong” when in reality they are just numb to emotion. Not you, your emotion is a characteristic that exemplifies true strength. Thanks for understanding the struggle and the tears, for the hope and the will to persevere. I wish I could tell you this in person but I guess that I can only hope that you stumble across this blog.

Love,

Jonathan

“And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.”
-Ingrid Michaelson

Cold Hands, Warm Heart

I was lying in my car as I sometimes do before walking into my apartment. On this particular night I got the opportunity to experience the beautiful sound of the rain drumming against my windshield. I love reclining my car seat back and meditating and reflecting on the day, the week and life in general. The rain helps to drown out the noise that many times tries to pull me down. I took my iPod and played a combination of Postal Service and Owl City tunes and thought…

Nights so divine and so simple like this one hold so much beauty reveal hope from above. Sometimes I get so caught up in the noise of life and am distracted from the true beauty of life. Like a hug that brings comfort. A Look that gives hope. A smile so powerful that it just makes you want to be a better person. A presence that lifts your heart. Cold hands, warm heart. A coffee shop conversation that will go down in the books as EPIC. This is what life should be about. I often take the simple joys of life for granted, but not tonight. Thank God for the rain.

“Everywhere I look I see green scenic sublime. And all those oceanic vistas are so divine”
-Owl City

The Art of the MIxed Tape

I remember often being asked the question, “So if you could grow up in any decade which would it be?” My answer is always unchanging and that is “Going to high school and college in the 1980s would be rad”. Things seemed to be so much more simplistic back then. I was a kid back them, way too young and too focused on Thundercats to truly appreciate the joy that was the 80s. There would be no cell phones, well unless I was a stud and had a huge piece of junk like Zack Morris. Imagine no MySpace or Facebook drama. Affordable trips to movies see The Goonies or Stand By Me. Going to shows to see The Smiths, New Order or Echo and the Bunnymen. I want to visualize myself this really cool dork such as Lloyd Dobler who would hold a boom box over his head all night long just to tell share his true feelings in a romantically exaggerated way. Band shirts, slim jeans, fresh kicks and all I would carry a “this charming man” demeanor and live every moment to the fullest. If only…

There is just one thing that I would do if I could go back in time and that would be to craft the perfect mixed tape to display an immense amount of affection for someone I truly deeply cared about. It saddens me just a little that the cassette tape is more or less extinct. In the 1980s mixed tapes were a huge part of the youth culture and are what I feel is one of the most romantic gestures one could possibly display to another.

“A mixtape, which usually reflects the musical tastes of its compiler, can range from a casually selected list of favorite songs, to a conceptual mix of songs linked by a theme or mood, to a highly personal statement tailored to the tape's intended recipient. Essayist Geoffrey O'Brien has called the personal mixtape "the most widely practiced American art form,"[1] and many mixtape enthusiasts believe that by carefully selecting and ordering the tracks in a mix, an artistic statement can be created that is greater than the sum of its individual songs, much as an album of pop music in the post-Beatles era can be considered as something more than a collection of singles” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mixed_tape).

There is so much time, effort and concentration that goes into creating the work of art that is a mixed tape. The songs must reflect at least a small part of the creator’s personality as well as that of the recipient. It is necessary that each song reflect the message that the creator’s heart is trying to communicate to the intended recipient. Many hours and tears are often spent in developing this work or art. The art form is far more simplistic these days with new technology such as iTunes playlists and burning tracks to CD’s. Although, the cassette is virtually extinct, modern day “mixed tapes” can be equally as moving as long as the heart is in it. The mixed tape can often say far more than words can. If you can craft a mixed tape for someone and leave them breathless, make their eyes smile or make them blush then you have created the most beautiful symphony of sound they will ever remember.

The Mixed Tape by Jack’s Mannequin

This is morning

That's when I spend the most time

Thinking 'bout what I've given up

This is a warning

When you start the day just to close the curtains

You're thinking 'bout what I've given up

Where are you now?

As I'm swimming through the stereo

I'm writing you a symphony of sound

Where are you now?

As I rearrange the songs again

This mix could burn a hole in anyone

But it was you I was thinking of

I read your letter

The one you left when you broke into my house

Retracing every step you made

And you said you meant it

And there's a piece of me in every single

Second of every single day

But if it's true then tell me how it got this way

Where are you now?

As I'm swimming through the stereoI'm writing you a symphony of sound

Where are you now?

As I rearrange the songs again

This mix could burn a hole in anyone

But it was you I was thinking of

And I can't get to youI can't get to youI can't get to you (you, you)

Where are you now?

As I'm swimming through the stereoI conduct a symphony of sound

Where are you now?

As I'm cutting through you track by trackI swear to God this mix could sink the sun

But it was you I was thinking of

And where are you now?

And where are you now?

And this is my mixed tape for her

It's like I wrote every note

With my own fingers

The Designer's Skyline

Like many individuals I am often looking to find hope in a fallen world. Life has obstacles and sometimes they are rather difficulty to overcome so I need assurance that everything will be okay. I often find myself looking to the stars hoping that God would simply strike up a conversation with me and give me some answers to life’s great mysteries. It’s hard to “see” or even “hear” God sometimes amidst all of the day-to-day “noise” that is so distracting. Christian’s often seek out God in prayer, meditation and silence. Other times God speaks in other ways. To use a phrase in Christianese (language and terminology often used in the Conservative Evangelical circuit), God often chooses to “reveal Himself” to an individual through “His Word”. Meaning I came across a meaningful passage in the Bible.

About a month ago God put a passage on my heart. It was Revelation 21. At first I thought to myself, “How could a passage in the most apocalyptic book in the Bible apply to me in my current state?” I didn’t take the passage seriously until I walked into to church today soaking wet from the rainy Southern California sky. The worship band was playing the song “Rain Down”. Singing “rain down Your love on us, rain down your peace and cover me” instantly brought me comfort. I was very into and ever a little emo during the worship because I swear ever lyric applied to the way I was feeling tonight. I faded a bit during the talk but what I needed to hear was at the end. Francis (the pastor) wanted to end his talk with a message of hope and he read from Revelation 21. I think then it really hit me. I was so overwhelmed with emotion. It’s the sensation of feeling “broken” but at the same time overwhelmed with joy and comforted. Something was going on and it was grabbing a hold of me. Now to the words of comfort… The passage reads:

Revelation 21:1-4
“Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

Imagine that. No really close your eyes and try to visualize it. Can’t? Because I couldn’t either. I’ve tried and my three pound finite mind cannot grasp how great this new city will be! I try and imagine a glorious skyline on a NEW EARTH crafted by the Great Architect. God dwelling with us is hard to grasp. I try and imagine God taking his hand and wiping the tears of sorrow from our faces and brining us everlasting joy that only they Creator of the universe could bring. If things aren’t going so well and life feels overwhelming or depressing take comfort because HOPE lies in the Designer’s Skyline. NO CRYING. NO PAIN. NO DEATH. Take comfort in that. It’s all so overwhelming and so beautiful at the same time. We all have access to live in this new city if we choose to. This was just something that I know God put on my heart that I felt that I needed to share.

I was prepared to write this blog on this passage weeks ago. I hesitated but tonight I got that extra push. This will be the first of many blogs/poems/thoughts/photos/lyrics. I write genuinely honest thoughts about the way I view the world. I tend to write about theology, girls, boys, music, coffee, driving in the rain, good, evil, skylines, beauty, emo shiz, darkness, and superheroes. If I make you laugh, think, cry, or piss you off I’ve succeeded in bringing out some kind of emotion in you. You make have noticed the title, “December Skyline”. To me that is the most beautiful combination of words in the world…